doglets: (seren sweet)
Frodi went out for a three hour walk with Glyn and moaned the entire 8 miles about the Alien Baby.
“Humans worship it. They think it’s trying to communicate with them” outraged Frodi “And then Glyn, mate, they told me to get in a Sit, Me! With my bones! Get in a sit before I could have my supper. Oh no, not supper, din-dins. Set an example they said”
“Who’s a good boy they said. I’m not a good boy, I’m a border collie, bordering on a nervous breakdown. A single Dad at my age! Alien doesn’t fit in the metal box anymore, though to be fair I have commandeered it. Very hi-tech, all mod cons, water, biscuit, scientifically tested chew, ergonomic cushion and expertly frequency tuned squeaker. Not like when I was a pup, it was chew the 17th century furniture or nowt”
doglets: (kato age two)

“Just walk past it Kato” I said “It’s not going to do anything to you”

“Just remembered I didn’t wipe my paws properly back on the field” said Kato pulling backwards

“Kato, it cat, you dog. You fearless hunter descended from wolves”

“It cat!” said the cat “It?!”

“Now you’ve offended it” tutted Kato and sat down on the pavement.

“Kato you are at least 16 times heavier, have paws like sledge hammers and huge razor-sharp teeth”

“Poison dart shot from a Russian cat’s claw!” said Kato

“Umbrella Kato, not a cat, an umbrella. And I doubt this cat works for the KGB”

“I might” said the cat

“Keep out of it you, it’s bad enough having a talking wuss of a dog” I grumbled “Now come on Kato, be brave, you big scaredy cat...sorry, no offence”

“Laters dogsky” said KGB cat

doglets: (kato age two)

On our walk we encounter cats but none of them adhere to cat-dog interaction lore. Whether this is a reflection on Kato I’m not sure. Universally approved dog / cat interface protocol is

(1)Dog Barks- 15 second warning

(2)Dog Does Cartoon manoeuvre of legs spinning around before take-off

(3)Cat Flees to place inaccessible to Dog

(4)Dog Turns Back.



With the cats we meet it’s more

(1)Dog Barks

(2)Cat Raises Eyebrow

(3)Dog makes half-hearted lunge

(4)Cat remains stationary and says feline equivalent of “yeah, whatever, come at me Brah”


There are 3 regular cats in Kato world

(1)Chicken Cat - a reference to its target/location not demeanour, it hangs out near a garden where there are were (according to Dave-the-Shop) 150 hens

(2)School Cat – hangs around near the primary school. School Cat will not move from our path – so we have to cross over or Kato will be unpacking several confidence issues.

(3)Garden Cat – hangs out in our garden at altitude of no less than 8 feet. Kato doesn’t attempt to chase Garden Cat. When Kato is considering World Events she sits talking to Garden Cat, usually about School Cat
doglets: (kato me)

On pre-bin day, I put the bins out after Kato walk. This sometimes means our bins are out on the pavement a little early contravening Galactic Bin Laws but we’re mavericks and that’s how we roll. We’re not the full on rebellious uprising like the hipsters next door who never take their bins in, like ever. Putting out the bins is a tangle of me holding Kato lead and wrestling various wheelie bins through our rickety gate.

“You could” suggested Kato “Use my Sit-Stay command, and then, use both hands to manoeuvre the bins, preferable to you smashing into the gate post whilst choking me”

“How am I choking you? You’re not on a neck collar” I muttered

“Winding me then you clumsy pedant”

“I don’t know Kato, it’s a busy road, and your sit stays are a bit...”

“A bit what?!”

“A bit lacking, the sit goes well but then the stay bit seems to evade you...anyway, it’s done now, come on...Kato...come...KATO...yes, it’s a fabulous stay...FFS...come on....how do you make yourself so heavy...un-stay now...yes, you’ve proved your point...”


doglets: (kato age two)

“The other three candidates for the Labour leadership look like management styled career politicians who just spout glossy PR bollocks” said Kato “Shouldn’t make sweeping generalisations but we need a severe push to the left to get back to a compassionate society and the other three just look too damn posh in that well meaning but clueless way”

“You know for a talking dog, the fool to my King Lear, my sock puppet, the voice of my conscience, my superego, the manifestation of my projected psychology, you have some pretty unsettling views Kato”

“It’s not my fault you’re a communist”

“I am not a communist!!”

“Can I sing the Red Flag?”

“No”

“Because you don’t know the words”

“I do actually, but I draw the line at a singing inner voice”

.......................

The People's Flag is deepest red... It shrouded oft our martyred dead”

“F off Kato”

doglets: (kato paw)

As we rounded Corner Three on Kato Walk we stumbled upon a typical urban scene. The Feds were apprehending a young woman. From what we could hear the young woman had forgotten to pay for her shopping.

“Well” tutted Kato “The Bizzies are doing that search wrong! Are they blind?”

Following her line of sight I spotted the open packet of crisps on the wall behind the kafuffle.

“You don’t want stolen crisps” I said to Kato

“Stolen!!” she gasped “That is so my favourite flavour”

Kato lurched towards the crisp area. There was a policeman between us and crisps. I realised this could look bad in a Dangerous Dogs Act type of way.

“Kato” I said “Don’t lurch at the officer”

“Stolen crisps” she repeated “I can take him easy”

“Nooo” I said “Now heel”

“I could have had him” she muttered as we continued on our walk

“You shouldn’t threaten police officers”

“It’s on my bucket list” Kato said


doglets: (kato age two)

We approached the alien artefact, solar rays reflected and refracted off the chrome.

Sleek black sides with golden script with a pristine pink synthetic interior. The mini monolith was flawless, untouched by either human hand or canine paw. We would be the first. Pioneers.

“But I went before I came out” protested Kato after ten minutes on the field.

I stood patiently with poo bag at the ready, probably more excited about a new poo bin than I ought to be.


doglets: (snooter)

We were trotting along, I was carrying a bag of Kato finest poo. Tooled up as I think of it. Don’t mess with us I’m armed. I usually discard the poo bag in the Bus Stop Poo Bin.

We stopped.

Bus Stop Poo Bin was missing. Like a stolen painting, there was just the outline of where the Poo Bin used to rest.

“Missing is the Bin!!” I exclaimed to Kato

“Ha ha – you’ve turned into Yoda” said Kato

“That makes you an e-wok then” I retorted

“Have you even seen that film?” asked Kato

Kato has a point. I don’t know if I’ve seen it or not. My memory says I saw it in a cinema the year of release. I seem to know the story - boy rescues princess in space.

“Yeah. I’ve seen it. I think” I said “Maybe it’s an implanted memory and I’m a replicant”

“That’s Bladerunner” tutted Kato

Anyway, I am going to write a stern e-mail to the Jedi Council to report the missing Poo Bin.


doglets: (kato age two)

We pass a house that is probably best described with the euphemism “social housing”. The inhabitants are often stood outside with cans of Extra Strength and a couple of dogs. When I hesitate to pass with Kato, the people immediately command their dogs to “Fucking Get In Let the Lady pass”. The dogs are very obedient, bouncy cheerful and look a lot healthier than their owners.

One of the men was sat under a tree. “There you are Lady” he said as if he had been waiting for me. He put his cans in each pocket as if holstering his guns and came over. My immediate thought was that I have no spare change / cigarettes, just 4 extra strong poo-bags and my phone in case Kato leg gives out and I have to phone hippy.

Man explained he has lost Jake, his black Border Collie missing for two days.

“You know him” he said to Kato “Barks like a right cunt, he's mint though, proper mint”

Jake is micro-chipped but man discovered that the chips only work if the dog is handed in somewhere that scans them.

“Vets do it” he said

“Or police station” I said

“Fucks sake, hope he hasn’t got arrested” said the man “Hate being arrested”

He asked could I keep a look out for Jake on my walk. Jake would go to anyone and was "really fucking friendly, too fucking friendly" but had never run off for this long before.

He said he had been waiting for me but hadn’t seen me for ages. I pointed at Kato and said she had been ill. Kato throughout this exchange was calm and relaxed. Usually a stranger paying attention to us would have her grumbling.
“Beautiful dog yours” he said filling up with tears “We know when you go past our Jake always barks at her, barks at every fucker, twat dog he is”

His lip began to quiver. He got one of his cans out of his pocket, graciously offered me first swig which I politely declined.

The man smiled sadly at me and said if I saw Jake to just come round the house and bang on the window, anytime, just keep banging on it “Try not to put it through” he said in a tone that suggested the window was often put through but if I did put it through it would just be mildly inconvenient “Pisses the landlord right off”

“I could knock the door”

“No bastard answers the door” he said

Kato and I continued on our way.

“You were well behaved then Kato, well done!” I said “Such a good girl”

“Lady” said Kato and shook her ears as if they were curls “He said Lady”

“Think he meant me” I said

“Oh, bit of a comedian then” said Kato

I thought about the man’s accent. I could hear the years of drinking in his voice, some words exaggerated slowly and some words left to drift but he sounded well spoken. I wondered who he was and how he got to be a man sat under a tree drinking Skol Super at 5pm weeping for his lost dog.

While Kato had a poo, I spotted something black on the grass in the distance. I really hoped it was Jake but it turned out to be a bin bag

“We’ve got a spare Border Collie he could have” said Kato

doglets: (kato age two)

A couple of months ago there was a trepidation of infants outside the primary school. They appeared safely kettled in by adults, but we decided to cut through the church grounds. It's not an attractive church, some red brick 80s thing, no gravestones or spire.  I’ve never worked out if the short cut is a right of way so we pootled at speed. Then we stopped, there outside the main double doors to the church was a modern looking upright piano.

Kato and I walked up to the piano. I lifted up the lid to reveal the keys, flexed my fingers, rested my finger tips on the ivories took a deep breath in and prepared to play with one finger the riff from Smoke on the Water.

E G A,

E G bendy A , A

I was now at Wembley stadium about to wow a crowd of zillions. Floodlights would go up on Bendy A and start an amazing laser show. But then the bass player fidgeted and did a wee. So we went home.


doglets: (kato age two)
In the middle of the pavement was a salmon pink velour armchair. We sidled up to it. Kato sniffed it. I touched it. It was on castors.

“Dare you” said Kato

“You first” I said quietly looking around to check we weren’t being watched. “Go on, on there”

I considered whether I should sit down with my canine companion beside me whilst I read a newspaper. An arty tribute to those old birthday cards bought for Grannies depicting a peaceful looking old lady sat reading a newspaper with a cat on her lap. If only we had a standard lamp and I was wearing a sensible cardigan and slippers.

“Not allowed on the furniture” said Kato interrupting my artistic thoughts

“Well today you are” I said “Wait a minute! You’ve spent the last 10 years sitting on the... when have you not sat on the furniture Kato?”

“Man’s looking” said Kato scratching her ear with her back paw.

There was a man in the window of a near house looking at us. I smiled at him and tugged firmly at Kato’s lead to give the impression the armchair inspection was the dogs fault.

“She’s not allowed on the furniture” I said with a grin

“You just said”

“Shush”


doglets: (kato age two)

There was a football sat in the middle of the field.

“Look at this! Footy-ball!” I said in the mischievous voice that the dogs always give a weary look of "oh no now what" to.

Kato looked interested for about 0.001 seconds. I kicked it and dropped the lead. “Go fetch, fetch the ball” I said playfully and jumped about a bit. Kato ignored me and headed off towards a pile of discarded beer cans. I kicked the ball at Kato who neatly side stepped it. It soared past her into the long rough grass.

“But dogs love footballs”

“Who tells you this shit?” asked Kato

“Play by myself then” I shouted over to Kato  “My Ball now”

“You should probably give it that weeping child” said Kato who was pawing through beer cans. I looked over to where Kato was looking and there was indeed a child and mother looking at me.

I delicately made my way through the rough grass and got the ball, I kicked it towards the child. They looked puzzled and walked off without the ball.

“Well that was embarrassing” said Kato who had reappeared at my side “Best get you back on the lead”

“Yeah” I agreed and picked up the lead


doglets: (kato smile)


We often encounter a man walking very briskly with two border collies in front of him on fairly long leads. Kato will bark and pull a bit if she sees them. Usually I put Kato into a sit, stand in her eye-line and let them pass. I’ve always felt a bit grumpy, that it’s us who have to accommodate as Speed Collies whoosh by. But on nearly colliding one day, he managed to give me an apologetic look and said “Cheers” It finally occurred to me itwasn't that he won't stop but he can't without the Speed Collies getting in tangle.


Kato and I were trotting along when the Speed Collies appeared. We were head on, eye contact locked on. With houses one side, a busy road on the other, one team had to either go into a split second reverse or we were crashing. We were now in the Canine Hadron Collider on course for impact. There was no way we could pass on the pavement without coming within spitting distance.

May Day. May Day. This is Not a Drill.

Meep Meep, said the collies, followed by Meep Meep Ouch, as their Controller deftly handbrake- turned 90 degrees between two parked cars. I put Kato into 5th and accelerated, slight jolt as Kato took awhile to change gear from amble to sprint. Checking the rear view, Speed Collies were whooshing away warp factor ten.

“Didn’t even indicate” grumbled Kato who was struggling to keep up as she tried to work out how to do a wanker sign with her paw “Just pulled right out in front of us...they think they own the pavement!"

doglets: (kato smile)


I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Kato trotting along beside me was carrying a stick. Kato doesn’t really do sticks, she’s ripped the odd one up and will bury one only so it’s *her* stick and no one elses. Possession of the stick is all tenths of dog law.

It was a giant size dental dog chew, completely intact with no teeth marks on. I looked around; there were no other dogs in sight. I pocketed it. Kato immediately frisked me pulling poo bags/tissues/keys out of my pockets and searching my hands.

“It’s in my anorak” I reassured her

“I think you’ll find it’s called a weatherproof jacket” said paw on the pulse of fashion Kato

This is true; I tried to buy a new anorak recently and got lost in the modern terminology of outer wear. Storm flex, polar tech, omni tech, breathable, soft shell, hydro proof, rain proof, shower proof, wind resistant, tri climate and all of the above in 3-in1, lite and extreme version. I didn’t dare go in a real shop in case I was questioned and turned into Peter Kay “It’s for that fine rain that gets you wet through” I was so bewildered I gave up trying to understand them and just bought something on-line that was less than 30 quid, black and looked like an anorak. Seems people (and one dog) are being anoraks about anoraks.

“Get your snooter out of my pocket” I commanded as we trotted along Kato  now doing a perfect heel as she had her nose in my pocket

“Can I have my stick back?”

“I think you’ll find it’s called a Canine Dental Hygiene Treatment” I said


doglets: (kato age two)

As usual we picked our way through the discarded beer cans, cheap wine bottles, kitchen accessories and litter. Kato stopped and dug her paws in. Because she had chanced upon the holy grail of canine urban foraging.

Discarded Chips.

In amongst the broken bread bins and torn bin bags there could have been the Ark of the Covenant and Tutankhamen’s spare mask but these were ignored by  Kato. If Kato had Indiana Frodi’s wits she would have acted nonchalant, pretended to be selecting a blade of grass to pee on and then swiftly swallowed the chips, paper and all. But no this is Kato, with eyes like saucers she gave a delighted yap and did an all over shake. “Barking get in!” she woofed loudly, alerting the entire canine neighbourhood that there were Discarded Chips in the rat sector of Field One

“Leave it!” I commanded in the tone reserved for telling her to not to put her head in the oven or take a short cut across molten lava.

We exchanged a look. Our eyes fixed on each other. Me human you dog. An entire shelf of dog training books and 3 terms at posh dog school were at stake here.

Kato considered - Human or chips?

An eerie quiet descended, the birds fell silent. I became aware of a chilling wind on my face. Suddenly Kato and I were in some post-Apocalyptic monochrome urban landscape at the edge of time. Just one woman and her dog in a fierce battle of mental determination that can only end in...

“You being sick” I said

“It was once!” Kato woofed indignantly

“Every time Kato, every single fkin time you eat crap off the floor and you spend the rest of the day like a hungover teenager swearing you’re never eating random stuff that hasn’t come out of a Butchers tin and served in your Special Bowl ever again. And who has to clean it up eh?” I said “So LEAVE. IT”

Kato closed her eyes, scowled, took one pace forward and had a sullen wee instead.

“Good girl!” I said jubilant “Who’s a clever girl then?!”

We continued our walk but then heard a gleeful woof from behind us. A Staffordshire on an extender lead was dragging its owner towards the rat sector of Field One.


#Katowalk

Jan. 19th, 2015 03:23 pm
doglets: (kato age two)

Kato sniffs along the walls, fences and lampposts “reading” messages though she rarely replies. She keeps her longer streams of opinions for the field, or blog as I think of it. Kato has to bend to “read” the tweets, scrolling her nose up and down the messages. This looks ridiculous, bum in the air bending down to scan the messages. No more ridiculous than humans narrowly missing lampposts as they scroll through 10 amazing Eccles Cake facts. Sometimes the site crashes and randomly deletes things #rain

We hadn’t been on her #regular-walk for awhile so Kato had a lot to read back. We slowly made our way to the field as Kato scanned, scrolled, followed links and even re-tweeted a few things. We arrived at her field but she wanted to turn back.

Obviously Kato was wishing she had favourited something or decided that she did need to know what she wouldn’t believe happened next to 10 hamsters who live with celebrity cats. Maybe she would finally un-friend that poodle who tweets dubious political views. Kato filters him but his anti-mixed breed attitudes still get through. Kato is worried that she’ll be tagged in one of his posts and other dogs think she shares his opinion. Sometimes she’s sniffs and looks indignant, I imagine it’s some over privileged pedigree post about how rescue dogs bring it on themselves and are too idle to get proper owners. Kato will squat to add a snarky message back then worry that her snarky message gets misinterpreted as agreement. I then get dragged back while she re-sniffs and curses the lack of an edit function.

Sometimes there are sinister messages left in our garden or Kato’s own messages seem to have been hacked. #foxtroll


doglets: (kato age two)

We pass a garden of chickens backing onto Kato regular walk. Not a handful of hobby hens but a full-on throng of clucks, at least 80 according to Dave-the-Shop.

Kato sat down to consider a new situation – outside the garden was a cage made of pallets and chicken wire. Packed full of hens with a hopeful cat sat on top watching them.

“Command your human to get this latch open” mewed the cat

“I can do latches” said Mensa Dog Kato and head butted the crate of chickens.

Chickens gave a discordant chorus of disgruntled clucks which startled Kato and the cat scarpered. I tugged the lead in case we were yet again mistaken for chicken rustlers. This created a bungee effect as Kato was preparing a second attempt to shoulder the cage open. I got hit by 35kg of rained on muddy dog. Kato shook herself splattering me and the box of chickens in mud.
doglets: (kato age two)
Kato has a sore on her back right. It’s been there awhile and she often meddles with it. It doesn’t have the sinister passive aggressive tumour look of Frodi’s lumps but it wasn’t healing up.


Kato shivered in the vets, visibly quaking and trembling. She managed to back herself under the seats which made the seats wobble. Vet is unsure what it is, she’s on steroids for a week to kick start the healing and stop it itching. If it heals up - great. If it doesn’t...surgery.

One of the side effects is thirst, combined with her piddly pants problem this led to a very wet dog/bed this morning. But we’ve decided to manage the house and not the dog. Any increase in her piddly pants pills seems to make her unhappy and uncomfortable with all the signs of abdominal discomfort, pressing her tummy to the cold tiles in the hall and craving to eat grass. We’ve bought incontinence bed protectors for her favoured sitting areas which has led us foolishly, oh it seemed so funny at the time, to use the command “put Mary on the pink”.  I had friends who used the command piddlediddle for their dogs, it worked, it stuck and they found themselves on holiday whispering to their dogs to piddlediddle.

Under her bed there is a huge rubber backed mat which can just be steam cleaned or blasted with the hosepipe outside. Kato’s Mary is washed with a very strange looking tasselled sponge that [livejournal.com profile] sheff_dogs bought us for the car windscreen. It is ideal for washing the dogs Mary and I really think they missed a marketing target.

The patient is in fine form today. We had an unexpected walk (the best kind) to post my Mum some teabags as she's running out and the cleaner/errand runner has a flu type thing.


doglets: (kato age two)

We came across an old wardrobe sitting on a grass verge nowhere near any house. For a discarded wardrobe it was in quite good condition with fully intact mirrors. Kato peeped inside, it was clean and empty. Kato then got half inside and tried to turn round which made it wobble. Kato was very engrossed in the wardrobe. I let go of the lead and walked off, calling back over my shoulder for her to follow.

Advice on not looking eccentric - when your dog is in a wardrobe and not visible to passers-by, probably best not to stand talking to her.



Kato Walk

Nov. 2nd, 2014 02:40 am
doglets: (kato age two)

We were ambling along quite slowly with Kato doing her impression of a serious professional sniffer dog. Suddenly she flipped over with a heavy thud and did a scratchy back roll. Kato’s not small and being upside down waving her legs in the air makes her look ridiculous. I assumed fox poo or dead bird....She was rolling on........a very large but completely flattened hedgehog.




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