doglets | Entries tagged with cats

“Dogsky!!” it was KGB cat sat on top of a gate post.

“Yo KG how’s it goin’ my main man cat bredren” said Kato

“Did I see you mewing to Da filth last week?” enquired KGB Cat

“Just helping out with enquiries” said Kato glancing over her shoulder at KGB Cat. Kato can just about cope now with close proximity to KGB Cat but avoids full on eye contact.

“Oh look Kato, he’s got a new ID tag” I inspected the ID tag as KGB cat purred rubbing his head in my hand “Awwww, his names...Pepper”

KGB cat immediately stopped purring and gave me a filthy look.
"Just Pepper?" asked Kato "No second name like me?"
"You haven't really got a second name, except at the vets" I replied
"Isn't my surname Microchipped?" she asked

Kato walk be like DFS. It’s new sofa season. We passed four discarded sofas. Kato was drawn to a lavish looking plum sofa. Part of its bed mechanism was sticking through the cushions surrounded by an ominous stain. Death by sofa bed, we’ve all been there. I’ve never been stabbed by our sofa bed but I have nearly been crushed by its “snap in place” kung fu mechanics. Our two old blue sofas including the homicidal snap dragon sofa will also soon be released into the wilds to await capture by the council.

KGB cat was sat on the back of a beige leather sofa.

“Still wearing his festive Christmas collar” I remarked to Kato “That’s bad luck after the 6^th of Jan”

“You want to see me with ladders” smirked KBG cat

Me: Just keep up, it’s not even funny

KGB Cat: Oy Dogsky, you chasing us or what?

Kato: Can’t...Ha ha ha ha...oh my days, ha ha ha ha...can’t...I’m dying here...I can’t even...oh my...he he he

KGB Cat: What happened to your human?

Kato: Don’t set me off...ha ha ha ha ha...you know fallen leaves disguising slippery mud on the field...ha ha ha ha...and you know how humans can’t balance....

KGB Cat: Ha Ha ha ha ha hee he he....that’s the third one today Dogsky...ha ha ha ha...

“Just walk past it Kato” I said “It’s not going to do anything to you”

“Just remembered I didn’t wipe my paws properly back on the field” said Kato pulling backwards

“Kato, it cat, you dog. You fearless hunter descended from wolves”

“It cat!” said the cat “It?!”

“Now you’ve offended it” tutted Kato and sat down on the pavement.

“Kato you are at least 16 times heavier, have paws like sledge hammers and huge razor-sharp teeth”

“Poison dart shot from a Russian cat’s claw!” said Kato

“Umbrella Kato, not a cat, an umbrella. And I doubt this cat works for the KGB”

“I might” said the cat

“Keep out of it you, it’s bad enough having a talking wuss of a dog” I grumbled “Now come on Kato, be brave, you big scaredy cat...sorry, no offence”

“Laters dogsky” said KGB cat

On our walk we encounter cats but none of them adhere to cat-dog interaction lore. Whether this is a reflection on Kato I’m not sure. Universally approved dog / cat interface protocol is

(1)Dog Barks- 15 second warning

(2)Dog Does Cartoon manoeuvre of legs spinning around before take-off

(3)Cat Flees to place inaccessible to Dog

(4)Dog Turns Back.

With the cats we meet it’s more

(1)Dog Barks

(2)Cat Raises Eyebrow

(3)Dog makes half-hearted lunge

(4)Cat remains stationary and says feline equivalent of “yeah, whatever, come at me Brah”

There are 3 regular cats in Kato world

(1)Chicken Cat - a reference to its target/location not demeanour, it hangs out near a garden where there ~~are~~ were (according to Dave-the-Shop) 150 hens

(2)School Cat – hangs around near the primary school. School Cat will not move from our path – so we have to cross over or Kato will be unpacking several confidence issues.

(3)Garden Cat – hangs out in our garden at altitude of no less than 8 feet. Kato doesn’t attempt to chase Garden Cat. When Kato is considering World Events she sits talking to Garden Cat, usually about School Cat

Frodi could hear the mewing as we approached the vets. His paws began to feel like lead.

“Oh good” said Human “Sounds like a lot of cats are in”

The mews began to form words “Frodi...Frodi-no-nuts.....

Human pushed the door open slowly to a waiting room full of cat carriers and boxes. The squeaky music from Psycho began to play in Frodi’s head

“Hi” said human “Would anyone mind if Frodi had a glance in a cat carrier, we would really like to get a cat but want to see how he would get on”

“Yow bring him here Bab, our Samson lives with 6 dogs” said a burly bloke with a tiny little cat in a basket carrier

“Don’t meet their eyes” Frodi repeated to himself “Stay calm, you can do this, think sheep...wtf are sheep...not sheep.... no eye contact.....feels hot in here...damn no sweat glands...don’t meet it’s eyes”

............................

Returning home, even the usually insensitive Kato knew not to ask. Frodi went to his basket to reflect. Frodi fell asleep but was taunted in his dreams by a feline Punch & Judy show “Frodi....Frodi-no-nuts..” The show was broken up by advert breaks for Dysons, Milk Floats and Fly-Mo’s.

“Not the food processor!” Frodi yelped as he awoke “Oh Katrina, it’s you...”

"Wanna talk about it?" Kato asked

"Failed – they told me to peep in the cat carrier, I smiled a big toothy smile. Cat turned into some sort of demonic spitting entity. I reflexively went for my pistol and that was it really, automatic fail. Didn’t even get to the practical"

"But there is good news – apparently we’re not getting a cat – she’s un-favouriting all those cat rescue websites she’s been looking at for weeks"

"Brilliant" said Kato"Let's go down the pond and tell Rat the news"

“Katrina” Frodi asked Kato over breakfast “Have you ever been cat tested?”

“Yeah” said Kato, “like so ages ago”

“Did you pass?”

“Do you even need to ask that question?” Kato snapped but with the same expression as toast-theft denial expression.

“Did you revise?”

Not really, just looked at the internet the night before, human does the written test anyway...but the psychometric test is...a challenge”

“Crikey”

“Cat examiners can be intimidating, relentlessly mewing questions at you from all sides”.

Frodi’s ears went down at Kato’s sinister tone

“The preliminary psychological test is just in the vets waiting room. But don’t be fooled – it’s part of the strategy”

Frodi’s ears twitched as Kato continued

“Whatever Cat says to you, just be really neutral, indifferent. No matter what they throw at you. Don’t meet the cat’s eyes. Cat will have researched your history and bring up all sorts of sensitive psychological matters, your phobias, stick addictions, stuff you don’t want to remember.... “

Frodi swallowed as Kato went on,

“How your Mother gave you up, how your first owner considered the brick/sack/river thing, thunder, fireworks, hoovers, lawn-mowers, milk floats, wheelie bins... every phobia... vets, strangers, the man who comes to read the meter, postmen, sudden noises, noises that are not sudden but would be scary if they were....think you might be screwed to be honest”

Frodi looked pale and his ears were now completely flat to his head.

We pass a garden of chickens backing onto Kato regular walk. Not a handful of hobby hens but a full-on throng of clucks, at least 80 according to Dave-the-Shop.

Kato sat down to consider a new situation – outside the garden was a cage made of pallets and chicken wire. Packed full of hens with a hopeful cat sat on top watching them.

“Command your human to get this latch open” mewed the cat

“I can do latches” said Mensa Dog Kato and head butted the crate of chickens.

Chickens gave a discordant chorus of disgruntled clucks which startled Kato and the cat scarpered. I tugged the lead in case we were yet again mistaken for chicken rustlers. This created a bungee effect as Kato was preparing a second attempt to shoulder the cage open. I got hit by 35kg of rained on muddy dog. Kato shook herself splattering me and the box of chickens in mud.

Frodi’s lumps were non-cancerous. He didn’t bite the vet or me on any of his check-ups . We still use a muzzle for very intimate rummaging. His obsession with squeaky toys was useful.I squeaked the toy at the nose end while vet got his stitches out. Frodi even sat politely in the waiting room talking to some cats and a rabbit. Dogs don’t seem to mind cats in containers. Seems it’s free range cats that arouse their hunting instinct.

I think we will always consider Frodi as being on the wrong side of the unpredictable scale. But this year he coped better with fireworks, just made himself into a very small ball and rolled under a bed, reminding me of Morph from Vision On. His other fear reaction is to tuck his legs right under his body and point towards a corner with his chin & nose pressed flat to the floor.

He is still absolutely hopeless on a lead and even though there isn’t much of him (17kg) he is exhausting to walk.

Years ago the home I managed had a business relationship with some semi-feral cats. Barmy, Ricky, Binny and Ginge had a warm boiler house to sleep in, food, bedding and medical cover (OW!). They had their own column in the homes newsletter and would do comedy routines on the lawn for the residents. Cornering one for a vet visit was a military mission of oven gloves, several protective layers of clothing, goggles and wellingtons.

They disappeared when the central heating had a major breakdown and their living quarters were disrupted for a few days. Within two weeks of their departure, we began to see rats and mice. The man from Rentokil said that cats are an undervalued efficient deterrent but sadly refuse to work for Rentokil due to reservations about the pension scheme.

I thought semi-ferals might be the answer to our current rat problem. They often come in a ready-made team having been rescued from places like building sites who no longer require their expertise. I believed this would be an easy procedure of ringing up one of the specialist rescues and asking for four of your finest bad-asses please.

( How to test a marriage )

Many thanks to cat-types who have given sage advice.