doglets | Entries tagged with dog wisdom

The ~~entire cast of Wind in the Willows~~ neighbour hipsters were all cardiganed up, bearding around their bins.

“Brown bin only tomorrow” I said wisely, though they never actually take their bins in. Bin Mavericks – probably some obscure hipster band I’ve never heard. I felt Kato prickling at the end of the lead as she went through her Friends List. Canine Brain compared the hipster to the ten people on her friends list.

There was a click and a whirr from inside Canine Deep Thought as she hovered over her three Simons. She moved on remembering none of her Simons have ever been seen in a genuine Dad cardigan with fake leather elbow patches.

A hipster raised his hand.

“He’s Got A Gun!” yelped Kato and engaged full ~~doing it in her pants~~ defensive. Her spine fur stegosaurus style as if she had been electrocuted “Oops, my bad, kebab tray”

“Sorry” I said “Take no notice of her, so it’s brown bin when you’re in any doubt and with the grey bin, I find if I crush my boxes...Ouch Kato! Sorry, she must really need the loo”

Kato pulled impatiently at the lead.

“That wasn’t nice Kato” I said “Are you really so desperate to poo?”

“Saving you from yourself, striking up conversations about bins with people under the age of 25” said Kato

Brexit – Sounds like biscuit

Leave - Dreadful command with no biscuit

Stay - Neutral command rewarded with actual biscuit

Scaremongered – the belief that next doors cat is after our biscuits

350 million – even fleas don’t use such stupid numbers

Bremain – dry dog food as prescribed by veterinary experts

UKIP – racist dry dog food

Boris and Gove – overpriced dog food made up of bees, discarded human rights and shredded NHS provision. Magically evades tax.

“Dogsky!!” it was KGB cat sat on top of a gate post.

“Yo KG how’s it goin’ my main man cat bredren” said Kato

“Did I see you mewing to Da filth last week?” enquired KGB Cat

“Just helping out with enquiries” said Kato glancing over her shoulder at KGB Cat. Kato can just about cope now with close proximity to KGB Cat but avoids full on eye contact.

“Oh look Kato, he’s got a new ID tag” I inspected the ID tag as KGB cat purred rubbing his head in my hand “Awwww, his names...Pepper”

KGB cat immediately stopped purring and gave me a filthy look.
"Just Pepper?" asked Kato "No second name like me?"
"You haven't really got a second name, except at the vets" I replied
"Isn't my surname Microchipped?" she asked

A distressed posh lady in the park said she had lost her poodle puppy near the cricket pavilion. She indicated with her hands something about the size of a CD case.
When Kato was at school they did sniffing retrieve lessons. A hanky was sniffed, hidden and then the dogs went to locate it. In an alternate universe, Kato would deeply inhale the poodle puppies lead, raise a wise snooter to the wind and catch the whispers on the breeze. Kato would focus, tuning in with her ancestral canine earth spirits to find the lost puppy. Kato would have her nose to the earth, occasionally raising her head then back to the trail. I imagined Kato getting a rosette and being on the front of the local paper as the hero of the hour. But Kato wasn’t very good at sniffing retrieve lessons, she would head off into the long grass but then have to be retrieved herself. She always got distracted by one blade of grass that looked a bit like Elvis or something.

We did, with all the other dog walkers, have a good search for the lost puppy. My money was on the manic young weimarner who was covering several square metres. The poodle puppy hadn’t been found by the time we finished our walk. L

“Sometimes” said Kato wistfully “I wish I was a boy dog and could express my disdain through the medium of urination”

“Me too” I said

In our path – on the pavement – was a huge 4 by 4 completely blocking our route. This is a mild nuisance for me and Kato, but for Mums with pushchairs, people in wheelchairs, or the walking bus heading to primary school it’s dangerous. And there was no reason for it – plenty of parking spaces. I glared at the driver. It was a good glare, as I channelled Kato and I peeing up his car.

Surprisingly for mid-morning, the social housing residents were shambling towards us with Jake the Sprollie darting about.

“Mornin’ Lady” said one though his eyes were fixed on Kato.

I looked back to see how they got on with the blocked pavement. The two men stumbled around the enormous car without comment but Jake the Sprollie helicoptered himself over the windscreen.

“The other three candidates for the Labour leadership look like management styled career politicians who just spout glossy PR bollocks” said Kato “Shouldn’t make sweeping generalisations but we need a severe push to the left to get back to a compassionate society and the other three just look too damn posh in that well meaning but clueless way”

“You know for a talking dog, the fool to my King Lear, my sock puppet, the voice of my conscience, my superego, the manifestation of my projected psychology, you have some pretty unsettling views Kato”

“It’s not my fault you’re a communist”

“I am not a communist!!”

“Can I sing the Red Flag?”

“No”

“Because you don’t know the words”

“I do actually, but I draw the line at a singing inner voice”

.......................

“The People's Flag is deepest red... It shrouded oft our martyred dead”

“F off Kato”

“Get in, you’re too much of a lump to get you in the bath by myself”

Kato clamped her front paws to the shower doorway. I shoved.

“It’s just lukewarm, get in, you smell like an abattoir, KATO”

“Humans going very crimson Katrina, perhaps you should just comply” said Frodi watching from the safety of the bathroom doorway.

I pushed Kato’s ample butt, but the front of the dog seemed to twist 180 degrees and she ended up behind me. I slipped and caught myself with one arm on the shower wall, soaking my sleeve which I hadn’t rolled up yet.

“Kato! You are going in the shower!”

Kato sat down and welded her arse to the bathroom floor. I turned off the shower and got in it. Tried pulling the front of the dog. Kato was now one of those bendy stretch toys from the 70s, and as much front dog as I got in the shower, her bottom remained stationary. I climbed over her and tried pushing again, with one heave I got her in, shut the door so I could just get my arm in and turned the shower on. Kato limpetted herself to the opposite shower wall and evaded the water.

Un-deterred I unhooked the shower attachment and sprayed her. She did an all over shake and kept shaking, the entire shower unit wobbled, the house wobbled, I wondered what the neighbours must think.

I was drenched. But still determined. I turned off the shower and grabbed the dog shampoo.

“Napalm” squeaked Kato and launched herself through the now open shower door. Kato rocketed past me to our bedroom with me in pursuit. Frodi nimbly hopped to one side to avoid the stampede. Kato jumped on the bed, shook herself then stretched out resembling a king-size polar bear rug, complete with gaping mouth. Now saturated Kato had doubled in weight. I sighed, and looked at Frodi. Frodi misinterpreted this look as being the reserve for Dog Washing Mission and made himself invisible.

There was a football sat in the middle of the field.

“Look at this! Footy-ball!” I said in the mischievous voice that the dogs always give a weary look of "oh no now what" to.

Kato looked interested for about 0.001 seconds. I kicked it and dropped the lead. “Go fetch, fetch the ball” I said playfully and jumped about a bit. Kato ignored me and headed off towards a pile of discarded beer cans. I kicked the ball at Kato who neatly side stepped it. It soared past her into the long rough grass.

“But dogs love footballs”

“Who tells you this shit?” asked Kato

“Play by myself then” I shouted over to Kato “My Ball now”

“You should probably give it that weeping child” said Kato who was pawing through beer cans. I looked over to where Kato was looking and there was indeed a child and mother looking at me.

I delicately made my way through the rough grass and got the ball, I kicked it towards the child. They looked puzzled and walked off without the ball.

“Well that was embarrassing” said Kato who had reappeared at my side “Best get you back on the lead”

“Yeah” I agreed and picked up the lead

I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Kato trotting along beside me was carrying a stick. Kato doesn’t really do sticks, she’s ripped the odd one up and will bury one only so it’s *her* stick and no one elses. Possession of the stick is all tenths of dog law.

It was a giant size dental dog chew, completely intact with no teeth marks on. I looked around; there were no other dogs in sight. I pocketed it. Kato immediately frisked me pulling poo bags/tissues/keys out of my pockets and searching my hands.

“It’s in my anorak” I reassured her

“I think you’ll find it’s called a weatherproof jacket” said paw on the pulse of fashion Kato

This is true; I tried to buy a new anorak recently and got lost in the modern terminology of outer wear. Storm flex, polar tech, omni tech, breathable, soft shell, hydro proof, rain proof, shower proof, wind resistant, tri climate and all of the above in 3-in1, lite and extreme version. I didn’t dare go in a real shop in case I was questioned and turned into Peter Kay “It’s for that fine rain that gets you wet through” I was so bewildered I gave up trying to understand them and just bought something on-line that was less than 30 quid, black and looked like an anorak. Seems people (and one dog) are being anoraks about anoraks.

“Get your snooter out of my pocket” I commanded as we trotted along Kato now doing a perfect heel as she had her nose in my pocket

“Can I have my stick back?”

“I think you’ll find it’s called a Canine Dental Hygiene Treatment” I said

Years ago the home I managed had a business relationship with some semi-feral cats. Barmy, Ricky, Binny and Ginge had a warm boiler house to sleep in, food, bedding and medical cover (OW!). They had their own column in the homes newsletter and would do comedy routines on the lawn for the residents. Cornering one for a vet visit was a military mission of oven gloves, several protective layers of clothing, goggles and wellingtons.

They disappeared when the central heating had a major breakdown and their living quarters were disrupted for a few days. Within two weeks of their departure, we began to see rats and mice. The man from Rentokil said that cats are an undervalued efficient deterrent but sadly refuse to work for Rentokil due to reservations about the pension scheme.

I thought semi-ferals might be the answer to our current rat problem. They often come in a ready-made team having been rescued from places like building sites who no longer require their expertise. I believed this would be an easy procedure of ringing up one of the specialist rescues and asking for four of your finest bad-asses please.

( How to test a marriage )

Many thanks to cat-types who have given sage advice.

Current Mood: puzzled

Noticed how silver Abes snoot has gone - she looks very wise indeed

( Elderly Abe )

This was taken a week ago - this is Sweetness at nearly three years old. Found just one stray silver hair on her chin - but still a mad puppy loon. Trying to locate a decent paddling pool for her BIg Present as she managed to rip her last one by dragging it over some bricks. kAt0 is officlally an adult dog and has these barks of wisdom

Being grown-up is -

1. not depositing a big gloop of frog spawn on the ktichen floor - this year she seems disinterested and hasn't even been in the pond yet
2. running to the door the potential intruder is actually at - rather than just the random Barkfest and over excited gamboling round the garden
3. working out that if you spit your chip/biscuit/treat on the floor to inspect it - That Abe teleports in and steals it
4. its only the bottom half of the dog that needs to keep still during a Sit Stay
5. mooning through the windows at passers-by is Da Cooleez