doglets | Entries tagged with psychology

“So” said Frodi “We’re not married after all?”

“Nope” replied Kato

“We’re not Mr and Mrs I-am-Microchipped”

“No, that’s not why it says it on our ID tags”

“We’ve got microchips in our necks” he pondered “Sounds far-fetched to me Katrina”

“That’s what human said”

“So we’re like Stepford Dogs”

“Yep, totally obedient” said Kato “That’s why we’re compelled to obey and if we abscond we get put through a supermarket checkout to get our unique bar code...or something”

Human: Dogs here... DOGS...KATO...FRODI...HERE...HERE

Frodi: Think we should see what she wants

Kato: Nah, fight the chip Man, we’re not numbers we are free dogs

Human: Kato...Froodle ...FFS... any dog...the neighbour’s dog...well don’t have these discarded chips then...oh there you are...

The owners of the proper old fashioned hardware/glass shop opposite park their camper van in our drive. In exchange we are showered with hardware gifts. The Shop is an Aladdins cave of mysterious things and they seem to sell everything from one curtain ring upwards.

Kato has never been in the shop. If I have reason to go in, I leave her at home or I stand at the doorway and shout in.

I mis-clicked on my grocery shopping so had an extra cucumber. Thought I would drop it over to Mrs Dave-the-Shop – the shop was unusually empty. I stood in the doorway making the tinkly bell tinkle

“Why you stood there so, half in, half out” said Mrs Dave-the-Shop

“Dog” I said “I’ve brought you a cucumber”

“Come in, dog don’t eat ironmongery”

Kato nearly exploded with joy and was in before I could say Bull in a China Shop. Ten long years she has wondered what lay behind the door. Kato inspected all of the things – her nose scanning across shelves full of endless stuff – Jeys fluid, washing up bowls, paint scrapers and drain rods. No-More Nails, Actual Nails and Literal Nails. Kato knocked over the coal scuttles and cleared the the glue display with a sweep of her tail. Kato paused at hamster food as potential food item that may need returning to. But then her eyes fell on something. What also lay behind the door was a woman holding a sandwich.

“Dog him like heg?” enquired Mrs D-t-S as Kato went into a perfect sit

“I do” said Kato fluttering her eye lashes “And is that mayo with black pepper, my favourite”

“Best not, she’ll pester you”

Kato put her head on one side and looked up in birthday card puppy pose guaranteed to melt the hardest heart.

“Aww, he’s hungry” said Mrs D-t-S

“I am” agreed Kato “Can’t remember when I last ate...feel quite faint”

To emphasise this fact – Kato feigned death. Slumping to the floor and rolling carefully on her side, one eye fixed on the Sandwich of Life. Only this sandwich could revive her. Mrs D-t-S made more aww noises and was breaking part of her sandwich off.

I knew Kato would take it gently but then chew it up, spit it out several times because she doesn’t like white bread or egg very much, and hates salad. Kato will follow me round the kitchen insisting “I do like white bread. I like white bread today” but then she just buries it or spends the rest of the day guarding a spit drenched lump in case it turns into a steak. When she eventually loses interest Frodi, who will eat anything, will eliminate it. Kato will play with a piece of celery until it is filthy and hide boiled potatoes in her bed.

“Just called in to give you this” I said throwing the cucumber at Mrs D-the-S and dragging Kato from the shop.

“See ya, and feed that poor dog, him hungry, aww”

There was a football sat in the middle of the field.

“Look at this! Footy-ball!” I said in the mischievous voice that the dogs always give a weary look of "oh no now what" to.

Kato looked interested for about 0.001 seconds. I kicked it and dropped the lead. “Go fetch, fetch the ball” I said playfully and jumped about a bit. Kato ignored me and headed off towards a pile of discarded beer cans. I kicked the ball at Kato who neatly side stepped it. It soared past her into the long rough grass.

“But dogs love footballs”

“Who tells you this shit?” asked Kato

“Play by myself then” I shouted over to Kato “My Ball now”

“You should probably give it that weeping child” said Kato who was pawing through beer cans. I looked over to where Kato was looking and there was indeed a child and mother looking at me.

I delicately made my way through the rough grass and got the ball, I kicked it towards the child. They looked puzzled and walked off without the ball.

“Well that was embarrassing” said Kato who had reappeared at my side “Best get you back on the lead”

“Yeah” I agreed and picked up the lead

Frodi could hear the mewing as we approached the vets. His paws began to feel like lead.

“Oh good” said Human “Sounds like a lot of cats are in”

The mews began to form words “Frodi...Frodi-no-nuts.....

Human pushed the door open slowly to a waiting room full of cat carriers and boxes. The squeaky music from Psycho began to play in Frodi’s head

“Hi” said human “Would anyone mind if Frodi had a glance in a cat carrier, we would really like to get a cat but want to see how he would get on”

“Yow bring him here Bab, our Samson lives with 6 dogs” said a burly bloke with a tiny little cat in a basket carrier

“Don’t meet their eyes” Frodi repeated to himself “Stay calm, you can do this, think sheep...wtf are sheep...not sheep.... no eye contact.....feels hot in here...damn no sweat glands...don’t meet it’s eyes”

............................

Returning home, even the usually insensitive Kato knew not to ask. Frodi went to his basket to reflect. Frodi fell asleep but was taunted in his dreams by a feline Punch & Judy show “Frodi....Frodi-no-nuts..” The show was broken up by advert breaks for Dysons, Milk Floats and Fly-Mo’s.

“Not the food processor!” Frodi yelped as he awoke “Oh Katrina, it’s you...”

"Wanna talk about it?" Kato asked

"Failed – they told me to peep in the cat carrier, I smiled a big toothy smile. Cat turned into some sort of demonic spitting entity. I reflexively went for my pistol and that was it really, automatic fail. Didn’t even get to the practical"

"But there is good news – apparently we’re not getting a cat – she’s un-favouriting all those cat rescue websites she’s been looking at for weeks"

"Brilliant" said Kato"Let's go down the pond and tell Rat the news"

“Katrina” Frodi asked Kato over breakfast “Have you ever been cat tested?”

“Yeah” said Kato, “like so ages ago”

“Did you pass?”

“Do you even need to ask that question?” Kato snapped but with the same expression as toast-theft denial expression.

“Did you revise?”

Not really, just looked at the internet the night before, human does the written test anyway...but the psychometric test is...a challenge”

“Crikey”

“Cat examiners can be intimidating, relentlessly mewing questions at you from all sides”.

Frodi’s ears went down at Kato’s sinister tone

“The preliminary psychological test is just in the vets waiting room. But don’t be fooled – it’s part of the strategy”

Frodi’s ears twitched as Kato continued

“Whatever Cat says to you, just be really neutral, indifferent. No matter what they throw at you. Don’t meet the cat’s eyes. Cat will have researched your history and bring up all sorts of sensitive psychological matters, your phobias, stick addictions, stuff you don’t want to remember.... “

Frodi swallowed as Kato went on,

“How your Mother gave you up, how your first owner considered the brick/sack/river thing, thunder, fireworks, hoovers, lawn-mowers, milk floats, wheelie bins... every phobia... vets, strangers, the man who comes to read the meter, postmen, sudden noises, noises that are not sudden but would be scary if they were....think you might be screwed to be honest”

Frodi looked pale and his ears were now completely flat to his head.

Today on Kato walk there was a full size chicken just stood looking at us. We looked at it, the hen looked back. Kato sat down to go carefully through the Object Identification card file index in her head. Unable to identify what this object might be Kato decided it was a nothing and we should carry on. And then a flash of inspiration, Kato suddenly dug her paws in, turned 180 degrees as she had obviously arrived at “Food Item” for the unidentified feathered object.

That’s when we spotted the cat. The cat was not much bigger than the chicken, and gave Kato a look that said “What do you think, reckon I can take it?”

This communication confused Kato as cats generally treat her with disdain and certainly never ask for her opinion. Kato sat down, caught between a cat and a chicken, utterly flummoxed by this surreal situation. An object that was coming up as Possible Food and another object coming up as “Not food but chase anyway”

The trouble with chasing cats when you’re a pacifist jessy of a dog, is instinct tells you to do it, but the cats side of the deal is that they set off first. This avoids any potential embarrassment as dog never catches up with cat because what then?

This cat wasn’t moving. Kato made a half hearted gesture of beginning the chase but the cat just looked as if to say “shush”. Kato sat back down to consider this. Deciding that cat had just missed the starting gun Kato made another feeble lunge attempt to start the chase. Cat no move. Kato fidgeted to indicate to cat that dog/cat protocol was being seriously broken. Cat gave Kato a filthy look and adopted a dignified stealthy hunting position. Kato also adopted a more clumsy slump of a hunting position. Being undecided which was her prey she faced away from both towards a fence. This was now a stalemate and I wondered if I should chase one of the prey and Kato do the other. But what if I caught the chicken – what then?

What if we ended up with cat and chicken, how would we ever get home? Fox, hen and sack of grain is child's play compared to this.

I decided that we should both chase the cat, told Kato to walk and we walked directly towards cat. I stared at the cat. Kato stared at anything but cat. Cat still didn’t move, just looked a bit inconvenienced, peering around us at the chicken. We stopped again about 8 feet away from cat. Kato grumbled about the number of cat/dog laws of nature and science that were being flouted here.

The impasse was broken by a woman appearing out of a house who looked like she might have lost a chicken. The woman gave me a dirty look as she headed towards the chicken. I was going to point out my dog being on a lead was no threat to her precious chicken, be more worried about this cat. But there was no cat. Cat had vanished. What the woman saw was me and Kato staring thoughtfully at her chicken.

Kato has always run a very tight limited friends list with space for about 10 people. In order to have a new friend listed someone has to go. Usually my brother as she doesn’t see him very often. Kato adores her ten friends and will greet them with physical joyous loving exuberance which sadly is very difficult to tell apart from being attacked by an angry Rottweiler.

The other interaction lists in Kato brain are named “Whatever” which is pretty much the rest of the world and “Code Red”. Sometimes a new person will come onto her close radar and there is a long recess while Kato brain slowly and carefully compares the new person to her Friends List. Eventually she arrives at – no, don’t know you, and then Kato brain slowly decides which of her other Lists to allocate the person to. I’ve never worked out her formula for this decision.

I go to the post box with Kato at least twice a week and always read the un-changing times of collection placard. One day there will be a message for me “the black & orange dog lies down in the autumn sun”. Kato has been for months indifferent to the post box but yesterday she greeted the tall red thing like an old friend. She wagged her Las Vegas plume of a tail, happy little barks, bouncing and pushing between my knees to inhale deeply the smell of friend.

“Looks a bit like you” I remarked to Kato as I pushed an envelope in its gaping mouth

Another person approached with a letter and the possessive Kato glared, and let one sun ray reflect off her best canine tooth. The person waited until we moved on with Kato continually staring back over her shoulder at this interloper on her silent and still red friend.

So Kato’s friends list is now 9 humans and one pillar box.