doglets

I awake to a wet nose gently scanning my face for signs of life. Seren is resting her chin on the bed.
"Christ" I mutter

“Brilliant” says Seren

“Seren it’s 5am”

“It’s brilliant” says Seren “5 am is brilliant, ima tell Frodi, Frodi, it’s 5 am. 5 AM. Fro, FRO....5am”

“Fuggin puppy bass gerroff” grumbles Frodi

“Go back to your basket there’s a good girl” I suggest gently

 “K...love you”

“Love you too, now go to bed”

“Love you like biscuits”

“Yeah”

“Human do kiss kiss”

“Seren...”

“Brilliant, your other eye is open now, ima sniff it, Frodi look, human eyes are open”

“SEREN...” I get a slobbery dog kiss which is like being slapped with a fish

“Doing kiss kiss”

“Yes, so you are and that’s really sweet” I’ve met her eyes now and instead of go to your bed out comes...”you can come on the bed if you’re really still”

With one leap she is on the bed then shimmies on her belly, back legs stretched out behind her, until her nose is a cm from mine, gazing at me
“Brilliant...Frodi, FRODI look, I’m on the bed!!”

“Seren”

“Doing stillness” she says, but concentrating intently on being still makes her quiver.

“Fugs going on” mutters hippy

“Brilliant, hippy is awake, ima sniff hippys eye, Frodi, FRODI”

“Fer barks sake” cranks Frodi “Can’t an old dog get some barking peace”

I put my head under the pillow to blank out the noise of cranky border collie. A minute later, I feel... monitored. I open my eyes to Seren head, also under my pillow

“Brilliant” she says

Frodi tutted but then stopped mid-tut. Instead of the impatient, surly, bumble bee demanding twice her body weight in food, a vision of pure loveliness sashayed in to the kitchen. Seren had a hypnotic aura that just needed something, if only Frodi could remember what....

“Clang” shouted Seren as she clanged her bowl

“Well Hello ” smoozed Frodi “Nice Clanging Serena”

Seren flopped into a sit and splayed her back legs in front of her, Frodi swooned. I looked down and screamed “OMG, Hippy, 999, the puppy’s dying, blood everywhere!"

“Neckled it” said Seren looking back up at her audience “Sat on bambles?”

Last time Seren had a sore wotsit it was due to an unfortunate prickly flange on the learning curve.

Frodi had gone deaf (er), was doing flirty wags, ears fully upright, with a gormless smirk.  

“Oh” I said dismayed “Frodi, you dirty old...don't lech at the puppy”

Seren is oblivious to her new sultry allure. Seren thinks poor smitten Frodi just wants to play as he traipses longingly after her. Radiant siren Seren, ships will flounder on rocks and next doors usually mellow, silent bulldog has been yelling how much for a paw job over the fence.

Made a list of things while we searched for a dog

Not black & orange as it would remind us too much of kato / Not a puppy / Female

So here’s Seren, and she’s 8

Weeks

But she is female.

And not a collie so there’s something.

Papa Frodi bemused but fine.

( Read more... )

A young Lolly visited. Labrador / Collie Cross, cute wiggly playful thing called Dotty. Kato immediately sulked and loudly barked at the Whore Dog Intruder. This is Princess Kato Zone and other dogs must not be cuter or have any attention.

Dotty did her play dead trick and then wrestled a tennis ball.

“Amazing” swooned Frodi having a quick groom with his back paw.

“Pathetic” snarked Kato and continued woofing her displeasure at Dotty.

Kato was evicted into the garden. Frodi invited Dotty to see his etchings, one of his earlier works on the living room door called Separation Anxiety.

Kato was bouncing up and down shouting Flea Ridden Slag Bitch and He Touches Sheep through the window.

We ran out of Kato Incurin tablets aka pissy pants pills. One of the potential side effects of Incurin according to the leaflet is INCREASED ATTRACTIVENESS (leaflet uses caps). Hippy maintains this is not scientifically feasible as the Pretty Sweetness has optimal prettiness. I always thought it meant magnetic attractiveness causing incalculable electrical interference and havoc. Magnetic Kato upsetting compasses and tellys, leaving a trail of crashed satellites and wiped hard drives in her wake.

Frodi has always found his feelings for Kato confusing. On the one paw he is besotted with her but on the other three paws, he sees her as one of the lads. Romantic Frodi brings pond weed bouquets and serenades Kato with “the noise”. Best Mate Frodi likes wrestling with Kato and concedes that, for a girl, she has a remarkable left hook. If Kato and Frodi were a Rom-Com, Frodi would be the geeky man racing to the airport to shout his love to Kato as she went through check-in. But would she turn back?

We need to be sure the Incurin is for Kato’s benefit and not for us being house-proud. A lot of our house is tiled and we‘ve bought rubber backed mats for Kato Spaces. We wash Kato’s sleeping bag daily and have forgotten what colour the sofa is as it’s buried under a million pink wet bed protectors. Vet opinion is she could get sore from urine burns so we stick with the meds.

By DAY FOUR of no pissy-pants pills, zero satellites landed in the garden but no decrease in her prettiness. Frodi seemed as devoted as ever. She did smell of wee though.

There was a knock at the front door. I looked at Canine (in)Security

“Any danger of a bark?” I enquired

“Oy, sheep bothering amigo” said Kato “It’s your turn”

Frodi stood up but trod on his tennis ball which distracted him.

The door knocked again. Frodi was deeply engrossed pushing his tennis ball around with his nose.

I glared.

Kato stood up, stretched, yawned, had an allover shake, then lay back down again. 

“Keeping a dog and barking myself” I grumbled “bark, bark , barky fkn bark”

Hippy had answered the door during the delay and let the builders in. I smiled at them and gave a polite ruff for good measure.

Frodi was working on his difficult second release, Dark Side of the Semi-Digested Pigeon. He still had a feather stuck to his paw giving the impression of a 18^th century writer about to compose a sonnet.

Kato was doing sad-dog-is-sad, gently sniffing her lead every time I passed and then glancing at me.

“If you’re bored” I said “Go and hold Frodi’s ears back while he throws up”

“I’m never that bored” she grumbled

“What’s that you’ve got now Froodle?” I asked stepping over him to get to the sink

“I think it’s a drone” he said then sneezed as he had a feather on his nose

“Probably delivering something obscure to the Amish hipsters next door” I said, followed by “OMG, OMFG, WTF, FFS, GTFO, SMH, FOAD, FFFCF”

“You made that last one up” said Kato

“You can probably work it out” I snapped “But before you do that, can someone explain why we’ve got a dead pigeon in the kitchen”

“Half a dead pigeon” burped Frodi then sneezed again, one of those sneezes that elevates the dog completely off the ground while they shake and splutter.

“FFFCF” said Kato “F for Frodi, C for cat?”

I opened the undersink cupboard to get the dead avian removal equipment.

“Where’s it gone?” I glared at Frodi “I am so cross, spitting feathers here!”

“Wez whad goon?” he said in a strange accent as he was literally spitting feathers and looked like he had just lost a pillow fight “Hic”

Frodi’s tummy made a glooping, gurgling sound

“Feel a tad queasy” he said

Kato snickered.

“Right” I announced “Get out. Go eat grass. Be sick. And do not come back until every trace including AUDIO has gone!”

“Those claws are going to smart whichever way they reappear” smirked Kato “Was it F for feline?”