Jake the (non) Collie Returns

I was on my way back from the Post Office when a sleek, nippy Black dog excitedly shot past me and started running in circles, jumping and gambolling. One of the social housing residents came in hot pursuit but gave up breathless after about 4 meters and leant on a lamp post. He lit a roll-up

“Jake, you c*nt, gerrere” he wheezed

“Oh” I said “He’s back then”

I looked at the happy Jake who isn’t a collie but a pure black and very well groomed spaniel or possibly a sprollie. Though he was moving so fast it was hard to get a proper look. In another life Jake would be on a Grooming Table and eat a diet of Caviar IAMs.

“And he’s fucking grounded but does he listen” gasped the man and then peering at the ground around me asked “Where’s yorn dog?”

“At home, I’ve been to the Post Office and she’s not allowed in”

“Barred” he nodded “And Jake is”

Jake appeared beside us, but the minute the man went to grab him, Jake did a triple somersault using the man as a spring board then sprinted off at great speed to do several more laps of the grass. On about the 4^th command to get in the fucking house Jake ran up the man, woofed in his face and shot back indoors. I could hear crashes and lots of shouting “Calm the fook down Jake” from the house. Jake popped his head back out of the door and gave a jovial bark before disappearing inside again.

The Long Paw of the Law

As we rounded Corner Three on Kato Walk we stumbled upon a typical urban scene. The Feds were apprehending a young woman. From what we could hear the young woman had forgotten to pay for her shopping.

“Well” tutted Kato “The Bizzies are doing that search wrong! Are they blind?”

Following her line of sight I spotted the open packet of crisps on the wall behind the kafuffle.

“You don’t want stolen crisps” I said to Kato

“Stolen!!” she gasped “That is so my favourite flavour”

Kato lurched towards the crisp area. There was a policeman between us and crisps. I realised this could look bad in a Dangerous Dogs Act type of way.

“Kato” I said “Don’t lurch at the officer”

“Stolen crisps” she repeated “I can take him easy”

“Nooo” I said “Now heel”

“I could have had him” she muttered as we continued on our walk

“You shouldn’t threaten police officers”

“It’s on my bucket list” Kato said